


Small

by Laramie



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Established Relationship, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-17 06:22:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18959632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laramie/pseuds/Laramie
Summary: Robert and Aaron have finally got back together and made a home together with Liv. But Robert has still got a lot on his mind, and a small issue soon blows up into a very big problem.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [raelee514](https://archiveofourown.org/users/raelee514/gifts).



> TRIGGER WARNING: click through to the endnotes for the trigger warning. I was inspired by two current/recent fics in the fandom to write my own fic on the topic, based on my own experiences.
> 
> This is dedicated to raelee514, my thommy friend and now my Emmerdale pal, who is always supportive of my writing endeavours and is very indulgent of me liveblogging my whole journey with robron to her.
> 
> A note on setting: in storyline terms, it's set soon after the reunion when Aaron and Robert and Liv are all living together in the Mill, but it's suddenly Aaron's birthday ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

It started small. It started slowly. It developed so gradually, one tiny unnoticeable step at a time, that it was too late to turn back before Robert had even realised what was happening. He wouldn't have known how, even if he had wanted to.

It started small.

Of course, it started long before the issue itself came to light, the mines laid by the way Robert thought about himself and about the world, about his family and about love -

But mostly, if you were watching from the outside, it started with a birthday cake.

\--

It was January; Aaron's birthday. Robert and Aaron had spent the day surrounded by people eager to remind Aaron how loved he was with words and gestures and presents. Liv, Chas, Paddy; Charity, Adam and Vic; and in a quieter way, Cain, Debbie, Zak, Lisa... Aaron was so, so loved, and Robert smiled as he watched his husband talking and drinking and laughing. It hurt his heart a little to see the way Chas squeezed him tight as she gushed over how her little boy was all grown up; Robert would never have that with his mum. His dad would never be proud of him in the way Paddy was bursting with pride over Aaron.

And then there was the grin on Vic's face as she brought out Aaron's chocolate birthday cake, covered in buttercream and fudge pieces; for a minute, Robert thought that she must love Aaron more than she loved him, Robert. And why wouldn't she? Aaron was  _ so good _ , and Robert was cruel and selfish, he let people down and hurt everyone he cared about.

So when a slice was set down in front of him, Robert passed the plate on to Liv, and didn't bother to replace it.

The cake was a symbol of familial love, and Robert had no place in that.

\--

Robert more-or-less pulled himself together after that, for a while - though he never could bring himself to eat any of the leftover birthday cake sitting in a borrowed cake tin on the kitchen counter in the Mill.

But there was Seb, his constant reminder of how he had let Aaron down and a constant pressure to be a better person, though he would never resent his perfect son's presence in his life. There was Chas, still wary of him, there was Vic, more than halfway on Rebecca's side in the whole sorry mess.

And there was Aaron, who was so much more than he deserved. So much more understanding, more loving, more strong and more handsome than Robert had any right to expect. The guilt was eating him up.

That was why, when Aaron brought him back a sausage roll one lunchtime in late January, he pretended busy-ness until it was time for Aaron to head back to the scrapyard. Once he was gone, Robert abandoned the armful of clothes he was taking to the washing machine, dropped down into a chair at the kitchen table, and stared at the food inside its greasy white paper bag. He wanted it, he did, but at the same time the thought of it made him feel a bit sick. He didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve Aaron being so good to him after everything he had done.

Standing up, Robert grabbed the sausage roll and left the house. He walked off in the opposite direction to the scrapyard, taking the sausage roll out of its bag and throwing it over the fence of the first unobserved field he came to. He watched until a crow caught sight of it and came down to investigate, then turned on his heel and went back home. He had two slices of buttered toast for lunch instead and left the paper bag in the bin in case Aaron thought to wonder what had happened to it.

Robert was good at lying.

\--

The thing was, Aaron was gorgeous. Robert had seen pictures of Aaron as a teenager, when he had seemed to be all teeth and angry eyebrows. He had certainly grown into himself since then, so that now he could turn Robert on - turn his whole world inside out - with just a smile, a look, or a touch on his arm. He was built stockier than Robert; well-muscled and well-proportioned. The colour of his eyes could stop traffic.

Aaron could have anyone he wanted, and Robert had given him so many reasons not to choose him. Robert had not stopped worrying over that thought since they had broken up, but now it was becoming almost an obsession.  _ Why would he choose me? Will he change his mind? _

One day in mid-February, the thought came that all Robert had to offer was his appearance. He decided that if he had no control over anything else, at least he could try to ensure that if Aaron was going to leave him, it wouldn't be over his looks.

And that, perhaps, was the point of no return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for eating disorders, and later suicidal thoughts and discussion of self-harm.
> 
> There will be four chapters to this, plus a sort of bonus "deleted scene" afterwards. I do hope you enjoyed this and that it gets you excited to read the rest of it!


	2. Chapter 2

He started falling faster after that. First he stopped having biscuits with his morning tea, not wanting to add any fat to his stomach. Then he skipped the lemon meringue pie Aaron bought for the three of them to share for dessert, on the grounds of being "too full". A couple of weeks later, he began pretending to be asleep until Aaron had set off for the morning, so that he could eat his carefully weighed breakfast in peace and unobserved, or not eat it at all if he was feeling guilty over what he had eaten the day before. He was supposed to be making himself better, proving his self-control.

He stopped suggesting dinners at the Woolie. He took on more of the cooking instead of buying ready-meals, which gave him the freedom to fry onions with water instead of oil, to ensure he got a smaller portion than Aaron, and to use the vegetables to bulk up the appearance of his meal. He hated when Aaron volunteered to cook, watching him throw butter or extra cheese into the meal without a care. It didn't matter for Aaron, Aaron was perfect, but Robert was not.

He would make himself a packed lunch for show, then throw all but the fruit in the first public bin he passed, to make sure he couldn't be tempted. It was lucky he worked alone much of the time, because his stomach rumbled almost incessantly, and painfully at times. He would hunch over his desk, working with his right hand while his left pressed constantly into his stomach to try to lessen the emptiness. He liked the hunger, though. The hunger was proof that he could control himself, that he could be better, that he wasn't going to turn into a fat, disgusting old man who Aaron would want to get away from and Seb would be ashamed of. The pain in his stomach was his fat melting away.

Pain was everywhere, these days. Robert had taken to driving into Hotten for the gym three times a week, but it seemed more difficult than it had used to be. He did not seem to be getting any fitter, or any stronger. He was a failure and a disgrace.

His self-consciousness increased exponentially. By the middle of April, he could hardly bear for Aaron - or anyone - to touch him, because it made him so anxious about them feeling his fat that just someone brushing past him accidentally made him want to hide in his bed for a week.

Because of this, though he had not noticed, Robert had not initiated sex for weeks. He was scared of Aaron seeing his body. If Aaron topped from behind, Robert thought as much about Aaron seeing his fatty shoulders as he did about Aaron. If Robert was on top of Aaron, he worried about letting his weight onto Aaron. Blowjobs left Aaron too close to Robert's stomach. There was no winning. The whole idea was so stressful that it was easier to avoid it altogether.

\--

His birthday was difficult. He woke up on the 22nd of April to the feeling of Aaron stroking his shoulder. When he opened his eyes, Aaron and Liv were smiling at him, Liv holding a plate of toast, beans, bacon and eggs. Robert's mood immediately dropped _. Fuck _ . He was going to have to eat it. He was going to have to eat _ so _ much today. His heart pounded with fear at the thought of all the calories in this one meal alone.

He forced himself to smile, trying to look pleased as he sat up and was given the plate. He would have to give himself a pass today. There was no way he could sustain his usual pace of eating without someone catching on today, and if Aaron realised he would make him stop completely.

It should perhaps have given Robert pause that if Aaron had known what he was doing, he would not have liked it; it did not.

"Happy birthday," Aaron said, bending down to kiss Robert's forehead.

"Happy birthday, Robert," Liv echoed. "I made the bacon."

That explained the... crispiness. Aaron might not be a gourmet chef, but he could sure as hell make a full English breakfast.

"Yeah, sorry about that," Aaron chuckled, returning his sisters glare with gusto. She stuck her tongue out at him then left the room, leaving Aaron to get back into bed next to Robert and give him a  _ proper _ kiss _. Happy birthday to me _ , Robert thought, relaxing into it. He had not realised how much he had missed Aaron's lips.

They were just starting to really sink into one another when Liv returned, and they broke apart.

"Urgh, get a room," she complained, sitting on the end of their bed with two more plates in front of her.

"We're  _ in  _ our room," Aaron pointed out.

"My eyes are delicate, okay, and if I have to watch my brother snogging for one more second, I will donate his breakfast to the homeless." She waved one of the plates in the air threateningly.

"Don't you dare!" Aaron said, swiping it out of her hands. "Tuck in, then," he added to Robert.

Robert picked up his fork warily. He surveyed the food in front of him, and went for a scoop of beans. If he stuck mostly to the beans and egg, which were mostly just protein and good for muscles, maybe he would be okay. The blackness of the bacon gave him a good excuse to leave it, but he could not bring himself to ignore it completely with Liv right in front of him, pleased with herself and watching for his reaction. He chewed with his heart racing faster and faster, fuck he wanted this, he didn't, it was bad, he could actually  _ taste glorious fat _ for once and God, food with flavour at last -

Robert forced himself to stop when he had almost finished the beans and the egg, and had eaten one slice each of the bacon and the toast. He was full, which was rare these days, but he did not want to stop eating. He had to, though; but he had eaten less than Aaron or Liv, so he was still safe, he was still okay, they could not think him greedy because he had eaten less than them.

"You not gonna finish that?" Aaron asked as Robert put down his knife and fork.

Robert shook his head. "Nah, saving myself for the massive birthday cake you'd better have got me..."

Aaron swiped his toast and took a big bite. "What d'you want to do today then?" he asked with his mouth full. "Dinner at the Woolie?"

_ Fuck, no _ . "I've got some work to do, actually, so I won't have time."

Aaron stared at him as though he had lost his marbles. "It's Sunday, and it's your birthday. No way are you working today."

"I'll confiscate his laptop," Liv offered.

"You dare," Robert threatened, pointing at her.

"Yeah, and what?" she challenged.

"I'll - I'll hide the TV remote."

"Terrifying," she said insincerely.

Aaron asked her to take the plates out which she surprisingly did, then he turned to Robert and asked again: "C'mon, really, what do you want to do?"

Robert quickly racked his brain for something not food-based, maybe something active. "Let's go visit Seb then go for a walk," he decided, relieved that he had thought of it.

"A walk?" Aaron repeated. "You're getting boring in your old age."

"Oi!"

Aaron laughed. "Alright. We'll go for a walk. I'll get us a picnic."

Because food was exactly what he needed for a relaxing day. Not.

\--

Even Liv agreed to go on the walk, though she met them after they had been to see Seb. They feasted on pre-made pasta salad, bourbon biscuits, wine (for Robert and Aaron) and fizzy grape juice (for Liv). They passed the afternoon playing video games, Liv wandering in and out in between whatever else she was doing. Vic had given him a birthday cake - Victoria sponge - which Robert could hardly get out of his head.

For tea, Aaron heated two frozen pizzas with garlic bread. Robert worried silently about how to eat as little as possible without Aaron and Liv noticing, but oh  _ god _ it smelled good. Robert ate slice after slice of everything, almost in a trance, afraid to stop and face what he had consumed.

When he finally put his cake fork down, Robert's stomach was so disgustingly distended that his trouser waistband dug in. He was breathing quickly, the painful fullness making him feel panicked. The feeling wouldn't go away, why wouldn't it go away? He needed to stop being so full. He had eaten so much.

"I'll do the dishes," Aaron said. "Why don't you go and lie down and wait for your last present?"

"Last present?"

Aaron wiggled his eyebrows.

"Ohh..." He kissed Aaron and went to lie on the bed, cradling his stomach very gently in his hands. He had eaten so much, he had ruined  _ everything _ . Now he was fat and disgusting and ugly. He felt sick. Maybe he could  _ be _ sick; maybe he could be rid of all this.

But no. He shouldn't be allowed to do that. He had to sit with this feeling: it was his punishment. He couldn't see throwing up as a way out, or it might make him feel like he could eat more. He couldn't go down that road; he must still get some calories from eating, before it was thrown up, so better not to eat it in the first place. For now, he had to deal with the consequences of his greed.

Robert blinked back tears. He hated this. He hated that he still wanted to eat, even though his stomach was aching. He hated eating. For a few seconds he hated Aaron for making him eat so much; but it wasn't his fault, and he didn't know.

When Aaron walked in, Robert was still holding his stomach. "I think I ate too much," he said with a weak smile, while Aaron sat down next to him on the bed.

Aaron made as if to rub Robert's belly, but Robert pushed his hand away quickly. Aaron mustn't feel his fat. He intertwined their fingers instead, trying to make it look as though he had just wanted to hold hands. He tilted his head up for a kiss.

"Liv's gone to Gabby's for a sleepover," Aaron said. "So it's just us..." He freed his hand and laid it on Robert's chest, undoing the first button of Robert's shirt. "What do you want to do? Free choice, seeing as it's your birthday." He watched Robert expectantly.

"W-What if... you're naked... and I'm fully clothed," Robert suggested nervously, stopping the progress of Aaron's hand down his shirt buttons.

Aaron just looked at him for a few seconds. Robert thought there might be concern in his eyes, and worried that he was going to protest, or ask about it. But then his face softened into a smirk. "Are you in a suit?"

"Okay," Robert agreed. "What do you think, then?"

Aaron shrugged one shoulder. He still looked a little confused by Robert's choice. "If that's what you want."

Robert nodded, and heaved up his massive body - pausing to let the black tunnel recede from his vision - and went to get changed in the bathroom.

\--

Robert thought he had pulled it off. He had got not a single comment about his eating habits on his birthday. Things went on as they had been for a few more weeks, Robert finding more ways to reduce his food intake, and to hide that he had done so. He googled for low-calorie meals and snacks. He no longer needed to  _ pretend _ to sleep through breakfast, as he just could not seem to get enough sleep any more. He was constantly exhausted.

When Aaron brought Robert a BLT to the portakabin one lunchtime, Robert distracted him with kissing until he had to go, leaving Robert to contemplate the sandwich alone. He had not had bacon since his birthday, nor bread; bread was nothing good, just calories and calories and starch that became sugar that became the fat on his bones.

But god, he wanted it.

Pulling the bin over, Robert opened the pre-packed sandwich. He took a big bite from the corner and chewed and chewed, salty bacon and crispy lettuce and juicy tomatoes combining with their bready backdrop to make a perfect sandwich.

Robert finished chewing, and spat the mouthful into an empty crisp packet in the bin.

He took another bite and did the same again, only swallowing every third or fourth mouthful. There, now he could eat without eating; it wasn't as filling, but he got the taste, the flavour, without the calories. Chew, swallow; chew, spit; chew, spit.

It sure was glamorous, this losing weight lark.

It was mid-May when Robert realised that he was not passing as unnoticeably as he had thought. He and Aaron had made a Sunday dinner together, Robert divorcing the activity from the idea of having to eat it at the end, and thereby managing to enjoy the process of drizzling vegetables with oil for roasting, whisking the Yorkshire pudding mix and boiling potatoes for mash. They talked the whole time, in a way they hadn't been doing recently, mostly about families and their businesses. Liv was spending a week with Sandra, so they had the house to themselves. Robert smiled to himself as he thought of how many times, particularly in their early days, he had wished for just this.

At the end of the meal, Aaron put his fork down and looked at Robert steadily. There was something purposeful in his expression that gave Robert a chill of fear. "Robert, I need to ask you something," Aaron said.

Robert pushed his plate away - his not-empty plate - and looked back at him.

"Please don't get angry with me," Aaron went on. "I know you're not, but I've just got it in my head and I need to ask and I need to hear you say no."

Robert tried not to show his alarm; this was it, wasn't it? Aaron had noticed. Aaron was going to make him stop, was going to make him eat and get fat.

Aaron licked his lips. "Are you seeing someone else?"

Robert was aghast. "What?  _ No! _ "

Aaron closed his eyes and nodded, giving a deep sigh. The tension left his face. "Okay," he said, reaching for Robert's hand and drawing circles on the back with his thumb.

"Why would you even think that?" How could Robert cheat on him again? When he knew how it felt, when he knew what it risked? When Aaron was the only person he wanted to be with, ever again?

"We haven't been out for months," Aaron said. Worry was creeping into his expression, widening his eyes and drawing his brows together. "You never seem to want to spend time together, you pull away when I touch you. We haven't... haven't..." He made one of his awkward hand gestures. " _ You know _ ... since your birthday."

"What? We must have done." Robert searched his memory. It hadn't been that long, had it? He was a terrible person. Couldn't even make his wonderful husband feel loved. He was bad and cruel and he -

"We haven't," Aaron said softly. "There was something...  _ off  _ about it. So I thought maybe you had something on your mind, and I was giving you space and waiting until you were ready to start something. But you never did."

"Alright, well, we'll have more sex," Robert promised, a bit desperately.  _ Don't leave me, please _ .

"Robert, that's not what I'm saying," Aaron snapped impatiently.

"Then what  _ are _ you saying?" Robert demanded, feeling frustrated.

"I'm..." Aaron closed his eyes for a moment again, and when he opened them there was deep concern in his face. "I'm saying, are we alright? Are  _ you _ alright?"

Robert briefly considered telling him the truth: that he wasn't alright, that he was terrified of every single mouthful of food making him balloon to the size of a house, that he thought about food and calories and exercise every minute of every day and he was fucking exhausted by it.

He smiled. "I'm fine. I suppose I've been distracted, trying to build up Home James again. I'll make more time for us, I promise."


	3. Chapter 3

Robert worked even harder after the conversation with Aaron. He had already been using breaks at work to take brief, brisk walks ("it clears my head", was his excuse if Jimmy was in), and now he started using the time he spent waiting for the kettle to boil or his porridge to microwave to do press-ups, sit-ups or star jumps. He tried going on a run with Aaron as part of his efforts for them to spend time together, but couldn't keep up. Aaron waited for him with only the minimum of teasing but Robert was so humiliated and ashamed by it that he didn't go running with Aaron again.  _ Robert _ was supposed to be the fit, strong, athletic one now, but he got out of breath so quickly, sometimes even getting dizzy. Walking, never mind running, meant pushing through the ache in his leg muscles.

In any case, he soon realised that making time for all  _ three _ of them to spend time together - himself, Aaron and Liv - meant that Aaron did not find it strange that they were not physical with each other while they were there. To that end, he took them all bowling, to the cinema, on more walks. He avoided any snacks they bought, turning down the popcorn no matter how many times Liv offered. He was  a bit proud of himself for that. It was actually nice to spend time with his little family, though it was coloured by Robert's guilt that he had asked them as a way to aid his deception.

He knew it was all working when Aaron walked in on him changing one day and, after watching him for a few seconds, said: "Have you lost weight?"

"I don't know," Robert lied, trying for a casual tone as Aaron came nearer. "Maybe. I've been working a bit harder at the gym recently so maybe it's that."

"Hmm..." Aaron stepped in close and put his arms around Robert's bare torso from behind. The zip of his hoodie was cold against Robert's back. "I think I preferred you before, to be honest." He skimmed his fingers over Robert's ribcage. "You're not going to lose any more, are you?"

"I probably just need to start drinking protein shakes or something," Robert said, skirting the question and reaching quickly for the pyjama top he had left ready on the bed, pulling himself away from Aaron's mouth on his neck.

Someone had  _ noticed _ , Robert rejoiced, as he turned to kiss Aaron to ease the sting of his leaning away. It meant he might be watched more closely, but it meant that everything was paying off. He was smaller. The numbers on the scale at the gym told him that too, but this, this was more tangible, somehow. He let the kissing lead to more, lead to him on his knees for Aaron and then to Aaron on his knees for him; and for the first time in months he felt almost confident in himself again.

Once they were finished, he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth, watching himself in the mirror. Were there calories in toothpaste? Would he absorb them through his mouth when he brushed?

Were there calories in  _ come _ ?

Robert put the lid of the toilet down and sat on it. The flash of feeling he was having now, the idea of being okay with someone seeing him naked, was something he had used to have all the time. He had even been  _ comfortable _ with it, once upon a time. But then - Seb. Holding his tiny son for the first time had made him realise how much time and energy he had put into things that just didn't matter; things like revenge and greed. He was trying to be better for that little boy, now.

Robert decided he was going to have a fast. He wanted to hold on to this echo of a good feeling, and not eating for a while seemed the best way to do that. He had tried fasting before, but since he and Aaron, and often Liv too, always had tea together, he had never managed more than 24 hours. Tomorrow, though, Aaron was going to be out late on a scrap run, and Liv was going with Gabby to an art group of all things. Robert suspected there was a boy involved. He also suspected they were not really going to an art group, but Aaron had decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, so he was trying to do the same. Between the two of them, Robert ought to be able to make them think he had eaten tea when he hadn't. That meant he could go from tea time that evening - they had eaten at 6 - until at least tea time the day after tomorrow without eating. That was almost 48 hours.

A knock at the bathroom door made him start.

"You alright, Rob?" came Aaron's voice. "You've been ages."

"Yeah, fine," he called back. He flushed the loo and pretended to wash his hands, aglow with the thought of the next couple of days and how good it would surely make him feel.

\--

3pm and Robert had not eaten yet, though he was thinking about food a  _ lot _ . He had skipped breakfast, thrown his lunch in the bin and drunk nothing but black tea. He wasn't even hungry; rarely was, these days. His body seemed to have forgotten how. That did not stop him wanting to eat, because he was a greedy piece of shit who wanted to eat when he wasn't even hungry.

He made it through the afternoon, enjoying the clean feeling in his mouth. When he finally stood up to leave at 5 o'clock, he could feel the blood dropping away from his head; he had to steady himself on the desk as his vision sparked like the snow on an old TV.

"You alright?" asked Jimmy from the other desk.

"No, I'm dying of a terrible disease," Robert said, sarcastically.

"Oh, excuse me for asking," retorted Jimmy, starting to put away his own work things.

Once Robert's eyes had cleared, he headed home, stopping at the cafe on the way for a black coffee to keep himself going. When he got there, Liv was making beans on toast for her tea. She offered to cut him in but Robert declined, saying he would have something later. He sat with her at the table while she ate, teasing her about art. When she had left, he put a plate and some cutlery on the draining rack so it looked as though he had eaten something too, then moved to the sofa and stuck the news on.

The next thing Robert was aware of was being kissed awake. He smiled into it, recognising Aaron before he had even opened his eyes.

"Hey, sleepyhead," Aaron said with one last kiss. He was sitting close to Robert on the sofa.

"You two are disgusting," came Liv's voice - it must be pretty late if she was back.

"Yeah, well, cut the attitude and maybe you'll find someone to be disgusting with too," Aaron retorted, putting a hand on Robert's knee.

Robert lifted onto his toes so that his thigh fat wouldn't spread on the sofa as much. He was embarrassed to realise that they had been going about their evening, seeing him asleep on the sofa. "Except that doesn't really work seeing as I liked you  _ because  _ of your shitty attitude," Robert pointed out.

"You're a muppet and I hate you," said Aaron insincerely, stroking Robert's knee with his thumb. "There you are then, cut the attitude or you'll end up with someone like Robert." Aaron grinned at him and winked.

Robert knew he didn't mean it, but...

"Have you had tea yet?" Aaron asked him.

"Yeah," Robert lied. "Beans on toast, not long after Liv left."

"I thought I had the last tin," Liv said, frowning.

Shit, he should have checked. "I got some more on my way home. Couldn't leave Aaron without any beans - he'd dump me."

Liv was still looking confused. "You went to the shop  _ just _ for beans?"

"Yeah!" Robert insisted, annoyed that she wouldn't let it drop. "That alright with you, Miss Spanish Inquisition?"

"What's that?"

"People who went round interrogating and burning people in the... when was it?"

Aaron pulled a face at him. "What, you think I  _ listened _ in history? Who d'you think I am?"

"Oh, just leave me alone," Robert snapped, tired of them both. He jumped up and stormed off, going by memory for the first few steps until the black haze over his eyes retreated.

\--

Aaron had come to check on Robert a little while after he had gone. Robert had not been able to figure out if he was worried or pissed off with him. Robert hadn't said anything; he hated what he had done to his family. He was supposed to be the strong one. He was supposed to be there for every one of them, but all he could think about was staying out of their way for mealtimes so they would not realise that he wasn't eating. He was hardly even losing weight any more. He was such a failure of a human being.

The day after his outburst, Robert threw his lunch away on the walk to work as usual. He had slept for ten hours the previous night but he was still so exhausted he could hardly think. Work was a struggle; his head was fuzzy and he was irritable on the phone with clients, which he had never let happen before. It felt like everything was falling apart.

Robert turned his phone off and rested his face in his hands. He hated this. He hoped he died of starvation. There was no way through this that he could see; he could not countenance the idea of allowing himself to put on weight again, to go back to his even more enormous previous self. That meant the only way was down, and down, and down. Already, almost everything in his life had become secondary and sacrificed to losing weight, so if there was nothing left then what was the point? He had to die of something someday, anyway. He might as well starve. It was the only way he might not look hideous in his coffin.

A black coffee seemed like a good idea right about now. He wasn't getting much done in the portakabin office anyway and he needed something to wake him up a bit for the rest of the afternoon. He locked anything sensitive in the filing cabinet but left his phone on the desk, sick of the sight of it and wanting a few minutes break while he made his slow way to the cafe.

"Black coffee, takeaway," he said wearily.

"Right you are," said Bob, disgustingly cheery as always. "Coming right up."

Robert waited at the counter while he made it, gazing longingly at the cake display. Chocolate, Victoria sponge, lemon drizzle and millionaire's shortbread. His mouth watered and his stomach rumbled for the first time that day.

_ It's not real hunger _ , he told himself.  _ You don't need it. _

Bob plonked a takeaway cup on the counter in front of him. "Anything else?"

"Slice of lemon drizzle," Robert said, regretting it instantly. He shouldn't. He really, really shouldn't. He watched Bob placing it carefully in a paper bag, trying not to show his panic. He couldn't go back on it now. Oh - but that didn't mean he had to eat it. He could save it for after tea tonight, or share it with - or just give it to - Aaron and Liv.

A great sense of uneasiness dogged him as he walked back to the portakabin. He felt as though he had done something wrong, even though he had not eaten anything yet. His entire focus was on the white paper bag in his left hand, making everything else blurry and unimportant. He wanted it. It wasn't for him, though.

Back at his desk, Robert tried to settle in to some work, but all he could think about was that slice of cake. He didn't think he could make it to this evening; he would end up eating it, and he mustn't. He tapped his fingers on the desk restlessly, fidgeting in his chair.

It was no good: he was going to have to get rid of it. He couldn't take this.

Robert picked up the cake, pulled it out of its bag so he couldn't be tempted and dropped it in the bin next to him. There. Done. He did not even lick his fingers, instead wiping them on a tissue.

Robert got back to work. He phoned a client and started on a bit of paperwork but he still couldn't get that damn cake out of his head. He was so fucking hungry. He kept looking at it in the bin. It was only touching pieces of printed paper. Robert reached down and pulled off a crumb from the top, disgusted with himself even as he put it in his mouth. Sugar and fat had a disco in his mouth. Robert wasn't really thinking much of anything when he grabbed the slice back out of the bin, leaving a sticky lemon residue on a botched insurance form, god he needed food. He held it in his left hand and ferried pieces to his mouth with his right.

_ You're bad, you're bad, you're bad _ , he told himself, but distantly. It was good cake. His stomach churned a bit at the sudden substance.

He had finished the whole thing before he knew it. He stared at his dirty hands with his heart hammering. He was such an idiot. He had had the perfect opportunity for a good long fast and he had ruined it by eating rubbish.

He did not really get anything else done that afternoon.

\--

At 5 o'clock, Aaron came in to meet Robert so they could walk home together. Robert tried to keep up a conversation, so Aaron would not guess that anything was wrong, but his heart wasn't really in it and they soon lapsed into silence for the rest of the short walk.

They came through their front door to see Liv at the kitchen table, resting her chin on folded arms. She sat up as they entered, looking at them solemnly.

"You alright, Liv?" Aaron asked, a brightness entering his expression as it always did when he looked at his little sister.

_ I bet Vic doesn't - shut UP _

"Yeah. Can we go to the pub for a bit?" she asked, her voice more serious than it needed to be for such a simple request.

Aaron seemed to pick up on this too; he frowned slightly. "Yeah, if you want. Robert, are -"

"No, just me and you," Liv cut into Aaron's invitation.

"Okay," Aaron agreed slowly, the frown deepening.

"Sibling time," Liv directed at Robert, giving him a smile that didn't reach her eyes.

Did she hate him again? Had she ever truly stopped? Was she going to tell Aaron he had to choose between Liv and Robert? - and Aaron would choose Liv, of course he would. Robert couldn't even resent him that. He had been without his sister for so long.

Liv pushed to her feet and went to Aaron, herding him towards the door. "We won't be long," she said, looking back at Robert. "So don't have your tea until we get back."

They made it outside and shut the front door with a final slam.

Was Robert so much of a pig that she had to tell him not to eat? He sank onto the sofa and rested his head on one hand. He wished he could hurry up and die. If Liv could see his toxic black heart, it wouldn't be long until Aaron and even Seb saw it too, and then he truly would have  _ nothing _ .

Robert was not really aware of the time passing as he sat there, so it was with a distant surprise that he heard the front door again. There was only one set of footsteps, which came towards him until Aaron was sitting on the other sofa and looking at him.

"Where's Liv?" Robert asked, to break the silence.

Aaron's jaw was set, his expression almost stern. Robert recognised this look as the rarely-used 'serious conversation' look, and quailed internally. He really couldn't handle any kind of Grown-Up Conversation just now, he couldn't handle Aaron telling him how bad he was or that Liv hated him.

"She's going to stay at the pub tonight."

Robert's throat constricted. It must be  _ really _ bad if Liv needed to be out of the way for a whole night for it. "We've got a night to ourselves then," he observed, in his best attempt at a bedroom voice as he went to straddle Aaron; distraction was his only hope, trying to stop Aaron saying everything he didn't want to hear.

But Aaron stopped him with a hand on his chest and said four of the most dreaded words that anyone in a relationship could hear: "We need to talk."


	4. Chapter 4

Robert froze. "No," he choked out, when he had remembered how to breathe. He had told Aaron when they had got back together that he would not be able to cope with losing him again, and he had meant it. He stared down into Aaron's face. "Please, we can't break up."

"We're not breaking up," Aaron said immediately.

"Then why would you say 'we need to talk'?" Robert demanded, shaken. He turned on his heel and paced away, rubbing his forehead as he tried to collect himself and to squash his anger that Aaron had chosen that particular phrase.

"Robert, I'm worried about you," Aaron said from behind him.

"You don't need to be," Robert insisted without turning around. "There's no problem, I'm fine, everything's -"

"What have you eaten today?" Aaron interrupted.

 _Stay calm._ "Toast for breakfast. My packup. And I went and got some cake in the afternoon."

"I don't believe you."

Cold panic broke in Robert's chest and spread out like lightning to the very tips of his fingers and toes. Aaron knew, didn't he? "Well, it's true," he said, attempting a carefree laugh as he turned around. "You can ask Bob, he sold it to me," he added, the fact that it was true adding sincerity to what was still overall a lie of omission at best.

"I mean I don't believe any of it." Aaron looked back at him from the sofa. "I was missing the point the other day, wasn't I, when I said we haven't been out for months? We specifically haven't been out for a _meal_. We've been to other places, and me and Liv have had snacks there, but you never do."

"Well, what's that matter?" Robert asked, still desperately hoping he could talk himself out of this. "I don't always -"

"I haven't actually seen you eat any meal except your tea in... months."

Robert lifted his hands in a helpless shrug.

"Robert..." Aaron stood up and came close to him. "Are you on some kind of diet?"

"No, it's _fine_ ," Robert insisted.

"See, the more you _say_ that," Aaron began, stabbing the air with a finger and dipping his head in emphasis. "The _less_ I believe it. People don't _lie_ about diets." He paused, as though reining his temper in before adding: "But they do lie about eating disorders."

"I don't - I even had cake today, that's not -"

"Look me in the eye and tell me that's not the only thing you've eaten today."

Robert looked him in the eye - and couldn't. They were supposed to be honest with each other now. He was supposed to be done with lying. He was _supposed to be better._

They looked at each other quietly.

"I think you're ill, and you need help," Aaron said gently.

"No, I'm fine," Robert repeated. Maybe if he said it enough, he might even believe himself. He sat back on the sofa and ran his hands through his hair. He needed Aaron to stop this. "There's nothing wrong, there's no problem, I'm eating normally."

"You threw your lunch in the bin! That's not normal!"

"I didn't." Robert squeezed his eyes shut. "I didn't -"

"Liv _saw_ you!" Aaron yelled, at the end of his patience.

"Oh, well that's great to know my own sister-in-law is spying on me."

"What the fuck, she's your _sister_ , you've been calling her that for ages."

"She's not though, is she?" Robert was suddenly on his feet and shouting and he wasn't sure why. "She's not _mine_ , she's _yours_ , she can up and leave me whenever she wants and actually, she's not even my sister-in-law because you and me aren't even properly married! So this whole thing could fall apart any second and I'll probably be the one who makes it happen because _that's who I am_!"

"What, and you think this is gonna help somehow?" Aaron demanded. "You think starving yourself makes it better somehow?"

All the fight went out of him. He just wanted to sleep. Robert sank back onto the sofa, rubbing his eyes. "I don't know. Maybe."

"For god's sake, Robert, the shit you've said to me about self-harm, and now look at you."

Another wave of shame overwhelmed him. He had said a lot of better things since, but even if he had not entirely meant the bad stuff, even if it had just been a way of poking at an insecurity - he had still said it. "That's different."

"How is that different? You're doing this to hurt yourself because you think you're not enough, because you think you're the reason for your family falling apart and you're scared it'll happen again. Tell me, how exactly is that any different?"

"Because I deserve it!"

"I thought I deserved it too! Everyone who ever does this sort of thing thinks they deserve it and they're always wrong! What about _Seb_ , Robert?"

"He's better off without me anyway," Robert said, massaging his temples. He was trying to be better for Seb, that was the whole point!

"Really?" Aaron retorted. "Do you feel better off without _your_ dad, whatever he was like?"

Robert's head was pounding. "Please, just stop," he begged. "Why can't you just leave it, why can't you just leave me alone?"

"Because I love you."

But Robert couldn't hear it, he couldn't face being loved in that moment. "No, you don't," he mumbled.

Aaron was quiet for a few seconds. "Don't you dare," he said, his voice low and dangerous. "After everything we've been through together, everything we've _done_ for each other - our entire relationship has been about us caring about each other more than we probably should. So don't you dare sit there in the house you practically _built_ for us and tell me I don't love you."

\--

The atmosphere in the Mill was strained over the next few days. Robert still did not have breakfast. Aaron made himself sandwiches every day so that he could sit with Robert to eat them, even though Robert had given up the pretence of eating anything more than a piece of fruit or two at dinnertime. Aaron did not mention this, in fact he spoke very little. Robert knew that Aaron didn't know what to say to him at the moment. A couple of times, Robert spotted him on the laptop reading pages about - it was difficult to think the words - eating disorders.

Liv kept making Robert cups of tea, which he ignored because he had not asked for or planned for them, and leaving packets of crisps and chocolate bars by his elbow. She was snappy with Aaron; she seemed to be frustrated that he had not already fixed everything.

Robert still made their tea, but after the first evening when he had just finished plating up and Aaron said quietly, "You need more than that," Robert ate it in their bedroom on his own. He hated to have their eyes on him, judging, or thinking that he was letting them down. His head was a mess; he hardly knew what he wanted any more. He wished he didn't care as much about food, he wished he could stop making Aaron unhappy; he wished he could flip back to Aaron's birthday and erase everything that had happened since. It was only now that he was realising how little choice he had in the act of restricting - he had thought he was in control, and prided himself on that, but now it felt more that he was simply giving in to fear.

Four days after Aaron had confronted him, Robert walked into their bedroom to see Aaron sat on the floor, leaning his back against Robert's side of the bed. He was weeping and sniffling quietly. When he caught sight of Robert, he sniffed and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. Robert watched him, not knowing what to do. When Aaron offered him a small, watery smile, Robert sat down next to him and tucked himself in under the arm Aaron placed around him. He rested his head on Aaron's shoulder, Aaron resting his own head against Robert's.

Somehow Robert had never thought of this as being something that would hurt Aaron too, but it made sense when he thought of how useless he always felt when faced with Aaron cutting. For the first time in months, in the safety of Aaron's embrace, Robert truly felt something that he had almost blocked out: Aaron _loved_ him. Robert didn't want to do this to him. He didn't want Seb growing up with a dad who had all these thoughts in his head - or growing up without a dad at all.

Robert sighed, looking down at his own body next to Aaron's. He was smaller than Aaron. When had that become in any way relevant? When had Robert gone beyond comparing himself to other people, and started comparing himself to a skeleton?

"How do you get better?" Robert asked.

Aaron was quiet while he considered. "I think you have to want to." He kissed the top of Robert's head.

Robert pressed closer and nodded. "I think I want to."

Aaron sniffed again and looked into Robert's face. "Yeah?" There was a careful hope in his voice.

"Or at least," Robert amended, as his resolve from the last couple of minutes faltered. "I _want_ to want to."

"I know that feeling." Aaron's voice was warm with understanding. "You'll want it back as soon as it gets hard. You think you don't need it until you _really_ need it. But that's the only time you can learn to really let go of it and learn to cope in some other way. A better way." His gaze travelled over Robert's face. "I'm sorry I didn't see what you were going through."

Robert was saved having to find anything to say by footsteps in the hall, making them both glance up. Robert sat up slightly as Liv came into the room, not wanting to look pathetic in front of her, but he did not duck out from under Aaron's arm around his shoulders.

Liv sat on the carpet in front of them and hugged her knees.

"Robert says he's going to try to get better," Aaron said to her. His thumb stroked the back of Robert's head.

"About time," Liv said bluntly, directing it at Aaron. "I was starting to think you were  _completely_ useless."

"Oi!" retorted Aaron.

Robert smiled at the teasing. "Thanks for looking out for me, sis."

Liv moved onto her knees and put an arm each around Robert and Aaron, holding them tightly. "That's what family's for."

Robert blinked back tears. "Yeah," he murmured into her hair. "I guess you're right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Psst I love comments ;) How do you like the ending?


	5. A Small Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I mostly just wrote this to give myself a rough idea how their conversation from Small would have gone, but here it is.
> 
> _"Good day at college?"_  
>  Liv looked back at him steadily. "I didn't go to college."  
> Did she ever? "For god's sake, Liv -"  
> "I followed Robert." 

Aaron had assumed Liv would lead them to a table, but instead she marched straight up to the bar.

"Chas, is there anyone in the back room?" she asked.

Chas's eyes flickered to Aaron's nonplussed face and back to Liv's determined one. "No. You can use it if you want."

"Thanks."

Aaron followed her around the bar - giving a confused shrug to Chas - and they settled at the table in the pub's flat. Liv's nerve, having carried her this far, seemed to have given out. Aaron tried to open the conversation up: "Good day at college?"

Liv looked back at him steadily. "I didn't go to college."

Did she ever? "For god's sake, Liv -"

"I followed Robert."

Aaron was shocked into silence for a few seconds. Why? What had she seen? He honestly did not believe that Robert would be cheating on him, so it had to be something else. Had she seen him doing something illegal? Was he in trouble? "Why?" he managed to ask.

"Don't you think he's been a bit... weird, recently? I mean, more than normal?" she added with half a smile.

Aaron thought back over the last few months. Robert had been acting a bit differently, a bit withdrawn. After his conversation about it with Robert, he had taken Robert's word for it that he was just tired from looking after Seb and working on Home James. "I suppose he has been a bit... quiet."

Liv nodded a bit, chewing her lip and staring at him with wide eyes. She seemed to be working herself up to something. "I think he's got an eating disorder."

The whole world froze. "What?"

"You know, like..." Liv's words were suddenly full of tears. "When people think they're too fat, even when they're not, and they don't eat so they can get thin."

" _ Robert _ ?" was all Aaron could get out.

Liv nodded again. "He said he had beans on toast for tea last night but there was only one tin in the recycling. Then today I followed him to work. He threw his lunch away. Then I didn't really know what to do; I thought maybe he was secretly meeting someone for lunch or something, so I just watched the office. But he didn't go out until ages after lunch, and I went in and he'd left his phone. So... So I had a look."

"Okay, aside from the massive privacy problems with that, how do you even know his code?"

Liv gave him a look. "I've seen him put it in like sixteen times, how do you  _ not  _ know it? It's your wedding date, by the way, which is a stupidly obvious number to choose."

There was something about Robert choosing that date that was comforting, though; it may not have been a 'real' wedding, but it was real to them.

Liv had got out her phone, and now turned the screen towards him. "That was his recent search list."

_ Lose weight without people noticing _

_ Low calorie snacks _

_ Fat burning workout _

_ Putting on muscle without eating more _

And the one that really chilled him:

_ How long does it take to starve to death _

Aaron gave Liv her phone back and closed his eyes, trying not to cry in front of his little sister. "I even said he's lost weight. How has he been going through all this and I didn't even notice?"

"He's good at lying."

_ I need to fix this. I need to fix this. _

"What are we going to do?" Liv asked.

Aaron gave a deep sigh and put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm going to talk to him. Can you stay here tonight?"

"Why? I was the one who worked it out, I want to help!"

"I just -"

"I love him too, Aaron!" she said fiercely, and Aaron's eyes were suddenly wet again.

"I know," he said gently. "But I need to do this on my own." He did not want to voice that Robert, when he felt cornered, had an uncanny knack for lashing out in just the way that hurt the most, and that if he really was ill then he would not, at first, be glad that they had found out. He did not want Robert blurting out something at Liv that he did not mean and would later regret, but that Liv would never be able to forget. "You've been  _ so _ brave, telling me about it, but it's up to me now, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed tearfully, and in another moment she was out of her chair and clinging to him as though he was the only thing that made sense in the whole world.


End file.
